The english lesson (continued)

[Benj]

Hi,
does this sentence sounds proper English to you:

Iran submitted the answer to the package deal that the permanent member of the United Nations Security Council and German suggested for the solution of Iranian nuclear suspicion. Iran rejects to stop their uranium enrichment activities and continues to negotiate.

I'm a bit bothered by the "submitted the answer to the package deal that the permanent member of the United Nations Security Council and German suggested" but maybe it is appropriate in this context ?

Any opinion ?

Thanks,
Benj

[sheila]

That clause that concerns you isn't wrong so much as long and awkward to read/parse.

I also find "rejects to stop" awkward.

I'd suggest this, possibly?

Iran submitted their answer to the package deal to remove suspicion of Iranian nuclear development suggested by the permanent members of the United Nations Security Council and Germany. Iran has rejected the suggestion to stop their uranium enrichment activities and continues to negotiate.

[sheila]

I had typos in the above and edited it twice. Oops.

[sheila]

OK, I played with it some more. I could do this all day.

Iran has given their response to a package deal suggested by the permanent members of the United Nations Security Council and Germany. The package deal had been suggested to remove suspicion of Iranian nuclear development. However, Iran has rejected the idea of stopping their uranium enrichment activities and continues to negotiate.

[Andilinks]

There is no good writing, only rewriting.

[Randall]

Originally Posted by Andilinks

There is no good writing, only rewriting.

How true. Makes me wish I could edit a few thousand old posts...

Just to put in my two cents:

Responding to a package deal offered by the permanent UN Security Council members and Germany, Iran rejected calls to suspend its uranium enrichment activities -- key to an agreement meant to ease suspicions over Iran's nuclear program -- but says it will continue the negotiations.

Three years from now I'll be wanting to rewrite the whole thing ten times over. It's already gone through at least three drafts already.

Randall

[Benj]

thanks !

[sheila]

I do have to say I like Randall's version much better than mine.

[Randall]

Originally Posted by sheila

I do have to say I like Randall's version much better than mine.

Chalk it up to studying journalism (and international politics) in college. Once I learned to write that way, it infected everything else I wrote -- including research papers. Some of my professors weren't quite sure what to make of it.

I'll trade you my version for yours. That would give me a convenient excuse to rewrite it some other way altogether.

Randall